In Honor

Hey Grayson. Yesterday was your birthday, and I had more than one teary moment. But I made it through. And even though it was VERY windy, the boys and I went and put lilacs and apple blossoms on the graves of some of your friends up there. I hope it made them smile.

I love you Grayson and I can't wait to see you again.

Sunday...Mothers Day

I've had a lot of thoughts on this subject this year. By happen chance...Grayson's birthday is on Sunday. Mothers Day. Ironic isn't it. I think I've done pretty good at dealing with everything that happened, and even though I'm pretty sure the way I've dealt with my feelings is completely unhealthy (pushing them down and ignoring them...pretending they aren't there), this year I've really been thinking about him more.
I was hoping by now that I would have a gravestone or that memorial done by now. Somewhere physical that I could go to pay my respects. However, that hasn't happened. Mostly due to money, time, etc.

Because of this, I don't know what to do for his birthday. Do I celebrate it? Is it wierd to celebrate the birthday of someone that didn't even take a breath while on this earth? I wouldn't celebrate a grandparents birthday who had passed along...why is this different? But...its different because he was my son. A part of me. But it doesn't change the feelings that I'm being wierd about wanting to do something, I just don't know what do to.

I did a balloon release last year...and I just didn't think it was affective. My boys were cold and complaining, we had a hard time getting everything settled after work, and it just didn't seem to do much. It didn't seem like a good way to remember his birthday. Maybe more planning needs to go into it. I don't know. Either way, I was kind of disappointed. But that could also be my numbness to the situation coming out too. I've considered taking flowers and placing them on the graves of the babies here in our cemetary, but don't know if financially I could. That seems more meaningful to me than a balloon release though. And helps curb my want for somewhere physical to go visit him. We shall see.

Other feelings...Its hard to believe that I would have a 2 yr old romping around the house. I keep wondering what he would look like. I imagine probably brown hair and green eyes. Maybe blonde hair. Tall and skinny like his brothers. I bet he would be kinda sassy and energetic. Definitely a bundle of joy for me. I wonder how much our life would've changed having him here. This year has been a year of loss, and being at the cemetery has made the boys ask about Grayson alot. The last time we were there, he asked if we could go ask the grave people to put up a grave for Grayson. They keep asking me when we will be able to visit him. It just makes me speechless. And a little sad.

So I know its early my dear...but happy birthday Grayson. I wish you were here with us physically, but I know that your here in spirit time to time and I truly appreciate that. We like having you around. I hope your having fun up there and save us a good spot. I can't wait to see you again.

1 Year Anniversary

I am a bit late at posting for the 1 year anniversary (5/8/2010). But here are some thoughts on things anyway. The day of Grayson's birthday was a Saturday. A year ago from that day, was one of the hardest days of my life. And I had plans that I would have a gravestone for him by his 1 yr anniversary, that the monument I was planning out would be completed, that life would be back to normal again....yada yada yada. It didn't happen. Regardless, when the time came, I figured I would go get a flower and plant it for him or something and thats it. I had hoped people would acknowledge it, but I quickly realized that to everyone else it was just another day. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy either. We just got along about our normal business.
My mom asked me what was wrong and I skirted around it...but finally told her that it was his birthday. She and my dad got me some flowers. And of course, Mothers Day was the next day so it was partly for that too.
I don't know what I should've felt.
I don't know what Iwas supposed to do.
The wierd thing was that the week or so afterwards was when things hit me the most. Previous to that (even just a month after I lost Grayson) I was going to baby showers and such and nothing bothered me. That week I couldn't even hold my own nephew because it brought me to tears. Maybe things had finally settled in? I don't know.
Since then I have met some great people who have lost babies as well. It helps to know that I'm not the only one I know (personally) that has had a loss. They unfortunately had to suffer through the pain as well, but it made me feel a bit closer to them and I appreciated being able to talk to them about our experiences.
So here is to another year (well less than that now...dang late posting!)!

Wow time has flown by. I realized today out of the blue....that in just 2 months almost to the day Grayson would have been 1. Alot has happened in that time. I'm not sure why it's hit me today but it did. I have pushed that whole situation away quite a bit due to my thinking that it was no big deal, it was for the better....I shouldn't be feeling bad about this. Which really, its kinda horrible. It does him a diservice. He came to this world, had an earthly body even though it was only for a short time, and I know without any doubt that he was with me in spirit. He has also prompted alot of change in my life. Even though I'm making baby steps, I do have a much different light at the end of the tunnel than I did before he blessed my life.
I'm sure as the time gets closer I will have more epiphanies (SP?) especially with all the sweet little babies about to be born to my great family, friends, and co-workers, but thats ok. The blessing of having children is like none other and I'm very grateful for my 3 boys. I can't imagine life without them.

My sweethearts lil feet