My sweethearts lil feet

Dear Grayson-

Your start in this world was a very rough and rocky road, I know. When I found out I was pregnant with you I had very mixed feelings, and that wasn't your fault, that was because of my choices. Things didn't happen how I wanted them to, and I didn't know if I was going to be ready or be prepared for the tough situation I had put myself in. But as you grew in my stomach, and as others around me got excited for you to come, I did as well. You had several people who wanted to meet you and couldn't wait. The day I found out that there might be a problem with you, that you might be sick, I was really worried about you. Everyone said it would be okay, but I just wasn't sure. So when I was waiting for the specialist to take a look at you, I kept rubbing my belly, hoping that you would be okay, and that we could work through anything that was wrong. But when the nurse was looking at you, and all I heard was silence, I knew deep down something was wrong. I hoped that she just didn't need to hear your heartbeat yet, that she was just making measurements. I kept looking at the monitor, looking for your heart beating, looking for you to move, praying you were okay. But when the doctor came in and told me you had gone, I had already known it was coming, and it broke my heart.

I tried to be strong for you, tried not to cry. It didn't work. All I could think about was how much you had suffered, how much you had to go through. I couldn't stop thinking about how much your sweet little body had to work just to be able to survive, every heartbeat was a struggle for you, especially in the end with all the pressure that was pushing against your heart. The thought of you having to go through all of that suffering and pain and agony tears me apart Grayson, you didn't deserve for it to be this way. I feel soo guilty for ever complaining about being sick, or not having any energy, for wondering why this had to happen to me, while you were inside me fighting for your life. I will never forgive myself for that Grayson, I took advantage of the smallest things and complained about nonsense, when I should have been making sure you were okay, listening to my body and those around me when they kept saying I needed to check in with the doctor. You might still be here with me today had I listened, and I am going to be eternally sorry for that, I hope you can someday forgive me.

While I was preparing for you to come, I kept asking myself why I had ever taken you for granted? You had chosen to come down to me, had chosen me to be your mother. Everyone kept telling me maybe it was a blessing in disguise, that this might have been a good thing since you would have had problems, and that I hadn't really been prepared for you anyway, but what they didn't understand is that I had grown to love you. I had prepared myself to take on the challenge, and was ready to help you and do everything in my power to make sure you were okay when you got here. Maybe it was one of those dark blessings, meant to be. I don't know God's master plan for me, but I do know I was torn to have you taken from me soo soon. And as I felt you coming that became more and more of a realization for me. Alone, in that dark hospital room, I could feel you there with me. I know you were tryin to comfort me, but all I could feel was how much of a failure I was for not being able to give you the life you deserved. I was soo sad Grayson, because I knew you were laying there lifeless by me, and I couldn't do anything but cry. I wanted to pick you up and hold you, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. When your grandma saw you, I think she wanted to help you as well. But you were so frail, I think she was afraid of hurting you. So as we waited for the doctor to get there, the nurses and your grandma kept watch over you, as I wept for losing you.

When I was finally able to hold you, you were so perfect. You had 10 perfect little fingers, and 10 perfect little toes and perfectly formed ears too. Your mouth was shaped like your brother Ryder's, and you had Tyler's nose. I think you were going to be blonde like your brother, your eyebrows had taken shape and looked like they had blonde hair. You were such a perfect little baby. But I could see the fluid that was in your stomach, and I have no idea how you had the strength to endure that Grayson, you are a soldier. You had worked so hard. Your beautiful little body was proof of that. I felt you come to me again but this time with the spirit as well when your Grandpa and your Uncle gave you your name. As your Grandpa looked down on you he started to cry, as did your Uncle. As they held you, you became real to them. And as they said your prayer, and gave you your name, the spirit got soo strong in that room that we all wept for you Grayson. Your Grandpa blessed that you would be taken care of up there, and that when the time came, we could be together again. That you would be able to find me, and I would be able to be your mother. That is one of the only things that gives me comfort to this day Grayson, that someday I will be able to be with you again. I would have done so many things different if I had the chance to go back in time. I was soo worried about being strong, not crying, not letting anyone know that I was hurting, that I let soo many things slip away. I didn't feel like I deserved to be sad that you were gone, I thought that the right thing to do would be to brush things away, make them go away since you weren't meant to be here anyway. But Grayson I was soo wrong. I should have spent more time with you, I should have kept your body and had a proper funeral, giving you the respect you deserved. I was soo sad when I went back and tried to get you from the hospital, but found out you were already gone, it broke my heart. I regret that to this day and will for the rest of my life Grayson, because you deserved so much better than what you got. And I promise you I will make that up to you. I will do everything I can to make that up to you.

Because of you, there are so many things that have opened my eyes. There are so many ways I need to change my life so that I can be worthy enough to be your mother, and Grayson I pray that you will help me remember that every day. I pray that you will watch over me, and remind me of the person I need to be for you. You have become my inspiration, Grayson, and for that you are a true blessing. And maybe it was your calling in the short life you had to help me see the way that my life was going, and the changes that I needed to make. Grayson, you are always in my heart, and will always be with me. I hope that you can look down on me and your brothers as our angel and look forward to when we can be together as a family again. I love you Grayson, with all my heart. And I promise to show that to you every chance I get.


With Eternal Love-

Your Momma