1 Year Anniversary

I am a bit late at posting for the 1 year anniversary (5/8/2010). But here are some thoughts on things anyway. The day of Grayson's birthday was a Saturday. A year ago from that day, was one of the hardest days of my life. And I had plans that I would have a gravestone for him by his 1 yr anniversary, that the monument I was planning out would be completed, that life would be back to normal again....yada yada yada. It didn't happen. Regardless, when the time came, I figured I would go get a flower and plant it for him or something and thats it. I had hoped people would acknowledge it, but I quickly realized that to everyone else it was just another day. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy either. We just got along about our normal business.
My mom asked me what was wrong and I skirted around it...but finally told her that it was his birthday. She and my dad got me some flowers. And of course, Mothers Day was the next day so it was partly for that too.
I don't know what I should've felt.
I don't know what Iwas supposed to do.
The wierd thing was that the week or so afterwards was when things hit me the most. Previous to that (even just a month after I lost Grayson) I was going to baby showers and such and nothing bothered me. That week I couldn't even hold my own nephew because it brought me to tears. Maybe things had finally settled in? I don't know.
Since then I have met some great people who have lost babies as well. It helps to know that I'm not the only one I know (personally) that has had a loss. They unfortunately had to suffer through the pain as well, but it made me feel a bit closer to them and I appreciated being able to talk to them about our experiences.
So here is to another year (well less than that now...dang late posting!)!

Wow time has flown by. I realized today out of the blue....that in just 2 months almost to the day Grayson would have been 1. Alot has happened in that time. I'm not sure why it's hit me today but it did. I have pushed that whole situation away quite a bit due to my thinking that it was no big deal, it was for the better....I shouldn't be feeling bad about this. Which really, its kinda horrible. It does him a diservice. He came to this world, had an earthly body even though it was only for a short time, and I know without any doubt that he was with me in spirit. He has also prompted alot of change in my life. Even though I'm making baby steps, I do have a much different light at the end of the tunnel than I did before he blessed my life.
I'm sure as the time gets closer I will have more epiphanies (SP?) especially with all the sweet little babies about to be born to my great family, friends, and co-workers, but thats ok. The blessing of having children is like none other and I'm very grateful for my 3 boys. I can't imagine life without them.