Sunday...Mothers Day

I've had a lot of thoughts on this subject this year. By happen chance...Grayson's birthday is on Sunday. Mothers Day. Ironic isn't it. I think I've done pretty good at dealing with everything that happened, and even though I'm pretty sure the way I've dealt with my feelings is completely unhealthy (pushing them down and ignoring them...pretending they aren't there), this year I've really been thinking about him more.
I was hoping by now that I would have a gravestone or that memorial done by now. Somewhere physical that I could go to pay my respects. However, that hasn't happened. Mostly due to money, time, etc.

Because of this, I don't know what to do for his birthday. Do I celebrate it? Is it wierd to celebrate the birthday of someone that didn't even take a breath while on this earth? I wouldn't celebrate a grandparents birthday who had passed along...why is this different? But...its different because he was my son. A part of me. But it doesn't change the feelings that I'm being wierd about wanting to do something, I just don't know what do to.

I did a balloon release last year...and I just didn't think it was affective. My boys were cold and complaining, we had a hard time getting everything settled after work, and it just didn't seem to do much. It didn't seem like a good way to remember his birthday. Maybe more planning needs to go into it. I don't know. Either way, I was kind of disappointed. But that could also be my numbness to the situation coming out too. I've considered taking flowers and placing them on the graves of the babies here in our cemetary, but don't know if financially I could. That seems more meaningful to me than a balloon release though. And helps curb my want for somewhere physical to go visit him. We shall see.

Other feelings...Its hard to believe that I would have a 2 yr old romping around the house. I keep wondering what he would look like. I imagine probably brown hair and green eyes. Maybe blonde hair. Tall and skinny like his brothers. I bet he would be kinda sassy and energetic. Definitely a bundle of joy for me. I wonder how much our life would've changed having him here. This year has been a year of loss, and being at the cemetery has made the boys ask about Grayson alot. The last time we were there, he asked if we could go ask the grave people to put up a grave for Grayson. They keep asking me when we will be able to visit him. It just makes me speechless. And a little sad.

So I know its early my dear...but happy birthday Grayson. I wish you were here with us physically, but I know that your here in spirit time to time and I truly appreciate that. We like having you around. I hope your having fun up there and save us a good spot. I can't wait to see you again.