Happy Birthday

Well buddy its your birthday today. Its been a numb day. Not sad, but not happy. A little bit hurt that only two family members remembered it is your birthday, but that is kind of selfish. Your birthday is important to me but I need to remember that it's kind of hard to remember things like this when they didn't happen directly to you. And that I'm horrible at remembering my living family member's birthdays...even though I've been trying to do a lot better (I have you to thank for that seeing as how I know what it feels like to have you forgotten and don't want them to feel that way). But still. I'm being selfish. I am just afraid you will be forgotten and that can't happen.
It was kind of odd watching your brothers and your cousin today, realizing that we would be/should've been having a birthday party for you instead of playing baseball. But you probably would've loved baseball too. Anyway, I love you. I'm sorry I didn't do more for your birthday, but I really don't know what to do that would do you justice. So I keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope your doing well. Say hi to all of our family and friends up there who have joined you. Watch over us always. I love you.

Getting Harder

I'm sitting here with so much on my mind and I have no idea how to put any of it into words without losing it. How do you put this into words without sounding like a big baby? Or feeling ridiculous for not "getting over it" already. So this will probably not make sense to anyone but myself, but this is my place to brain dump and get my feelings out so that is that.
You would think that 3 years later this would be easier, but instead it seems that it gets harder. How is that? Isn't time supposed to heal wounds...not make them worse? It is starting to get harder and harder to see kids that would be Grayson's age. It's hard to feel like something is missing from your heart. From your family. From your home. What does he look like? Is he talking and walking? Is he fiesty or shy? Does he like to snuggle up at night like his brothers? Who is taking care of my baby? Does he have anyone there to take care of him? To protect him?
It was so long ago and we have nothing for him really, it almost seems like he wasn't real. Maybe I'm afraid of losing him or his memory. Maybe thats why its so hard, I am wanting so badly to make sure he is remembered. But I don't have much for him. No body, no record of birth or death, nothing. Just a few pictures and some scattered memories of that time. But that should be enough shouldn't it?
I'm not sure how to not let it get harder. All of the things that other mothers who'd lost children were describing at that time, I am feeling now. I don't understand it. I probably never will. All I know is that I miss my baby more than ever and I want him here with me now. But I can't have him. I will never have him in this life. He is gone. And even though this life is just a brief period of time in the big picture for my life, it seems like forever right at this very moment. I want my baby. I want my Grayson.

*As an edit....my 4 yr old taught me an important lesson. As we looked at pictures of Grayson, he asked why he had to go to heaven. Before I could answer, he said "It's because Jesus loves him and wants him there." How is it that my spunky little guy can simply understand something so complex to me? It is one of those times when I see the comforting hand of my Savior watching over me. I couldn't get past this without him.